真抱歉却是假敷衍：什么样辨别致歉是真诚却是佯装Im sorry – but how do you tell if an apology is fake or genuine?
在SNS新闻媒体黄金时代，名流致歉实在成了常事，很多致歉能被拒绝接受，很多致歉反倒招致更多口水，比如说，布莱恩·Jaunpur在性侵犯性丑闻曝出后的致歉就即使没魄力而遭口诛笔伐。什么样辨别两个人的致歉是真诚却是佯装呢？什么样致歉更能让旁人拒绝接受？致歉如果避免说什么样话？来看一看研究者怎么说。
Sorry seems to be the hardest word. So sang Elton John on one of his biggest 1970s hits – but not every public figure seems to find it so tough to utter that powerful five-letter word.
“抱歉”或许是最不尽然出口产品的词，埃尔顿·詹姆斯20世纪末70二十世纪末发售过的撞名Make（Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word）是那么唱的。但，并并非每一名社会公众人物形象都真的那个颇有量纲的词令人讨厌。
In recent months a broad spectrum of public figures, from politicians, to Hollywood actors and YouTube stars have all publicly expressed remorse.
近一年来来，各个方面的社会公众人物形象，从新闻界到荷里活女演员再到YouTube歌星，都曾申明抒发过抱歉。
But with so much remorse on the airwaves, just how can we differentiate a forced apology from a heartfelt expression of remorse?
但大屏幕上的那么多抱歉，他们要什么样辨别什么样致歉是不得不做出的，什么样是真诚实意的羞愧呢？
In its purest form, saying sorry should be an “act of contrition, a realisation that something you have said or done has hurt someone and you want to make amends”, says psychologist Geraldine Joaquim.
心理学家杰拉尔丁·若阿金说，最纯粹的致歉如果是一种“抒发悔意的行为，意识到你所说或所做的事情给某人造成了伤害，而你想对此做出补偿”。
什么样致歉最有效？
Made early, a well-crafted apology can be hugely beneficial and can “diffuse the situation and takes the wind out of an accusers sails”, she says.
她说，如果早早地认真致歉，将会非常有益，可以“缓和局势，让旁人消气”。
A need to say sorry can arise in someones public life and equally at home with their family and friends but, whatever the environment, how well it is received depends on how personalised it feels.
在公共生活中以及和家人朋友相处的过程中都可能出现需要致歉的情况，无论是在哪种环境中，你的致歉能否被拒绝接受取决于有没说到旁人心里去。
Experts say the formula for an affective apology can be summed up with the acronymCAR:
研究者说，情真意切的致歉可以用缩写CAR来概括：
show concern 抒发关心
demonstrate action 展示行动决心
offer reassurance 提供安慰
“People want the response to be personal to them, to feel that theyre being listened to and taken seriously,” says Martin Stone, of PR agency Tank.
公关机构Tank的马丁·斯通说：“人们希望致歉能关乎他们个人，感觉到自己被倾听，而且被认真对待。”
He says that, in the professional sphere, the phrase “formal apology” is often used, but, in reality, the opposite is what is required.
他说，在专业领域里经常用“正式致歉”那个短语，但事实上，人们需要的是非正式致歉。
From businesses, governments and organisations, a scripted response will fail to resonate as it will not convey empathy and compassion.
来自企业、政府和组织的致歉信无法让人们产生共鸣，即使它不能传达同理心和同情心。
Whether online or in person, the timing and choice of language in an apology are decisive factors.
无论是在网上致歉却是当面致歉，致歉的时机和语言选择都是决定因素。
“Firstly, it is important to show that you understand and sympathise,” says Stone.
斯通说：“首先，如果表示你理解旁人的感受并且表示同情，这很重要。”
“It is vital that any business or individual making an apology understands the focus – is it sorry for the way its acted or is it sorry that the complainant feels the way they do?”
“任何做出致歉的企业或个人都如果理解的重点是：他们是为自己做事的方式感到羞愧，却是为造成抱怨者的不满而抱歉？”
什么样辨别致歉是真诚却是佯装？从四个方面来判断
Spontaneity– watch out for the speed of response, the quicker the apology comes, the better indication that the person making it has felt an immediate sense of guilt
自发性——注意反应的速度，致歉越早，越能显示出致歉者是否立刻感到内疚。
Body language– if genuine, the person making the apology will be looking for listening clues to see if they are being understood, such as eye contact and facial expressions
肢体语言——如果是真诚的致歉，致歉者会通过眼神交流和面部表情等细节来确定自己的话是否被理解。
Vulnerability– performed apologies always have a sense of being “acted out”, and are often accompanied by too many theatrical gestures. If the person is genuine they will provide “humbling signals”, such as a lowered head, to indicate remorse and vulnerability
示弱——假装的致歉总是有一种“表演”的感觉，通常伴有太多做作的姿势。如果致歉者是真诚的，他们会传递出“谦卑的信号”，比如说低下头，来表示羞愧和示弱。
Denial gestures– the biggest clues of insincerity can come after the gesture itself, with non-verbal signals that silently reject the words used; this can include looking to the floor and smirking.
表示否认的肢体语言——你可以从肢体语言中发现致歉者不真最明显的线索，这种非言语信号会无声地否认致歉者所说的话；比如说，看向地面、假笑等。
致歉如果防止说什么样话？
Linguistically it is also important to avoid dehumanising statements or promises that cant be kept.
从语言学上讲，务必要防止没人性的言论或不能实现的诺言。
“Dont say that youll ensure that this will not happen again if youre not confident it wont. It could come back to bite you,” Stone explains.
斯通解释道：“如果你没把握以后不会再发生这种事，那就不要说这种话。这种承诺将来会回头来找你麻烦。”
Equally, the use of “but” can hugely change the tone of an apology.
同样，“但”那个词也会极大地改变致歉的语气。
As Stone points out: “Im sorry but… sounds like you are making excuses and arent actually taking any form of responsibility.
正如斯通指出的，“我很抱歉，但……”听上去就像你在找借口，而并非真的要承担任何责任。
“It may be three letters but it can instantly make an apology seem hollow.”
“‘但’也许只有两个字，却会马上让你的致歉显得毫无魄力。”
翻译&编辑：丹妮
